Wednesday, 8 January 2020

Blogging & Perfectionism

This probably isn't going to be a very interesting post to read, more like reading a diary entry full of rambling. I'm not sure; I'm just sort of word-vomiting onto my laptop, in an attempt to get myself back into the swing of blogging. Maybe I'll post this, maybe not. So, I haven't blogged in what feels like forever (since the start of November, to be exact!). 

You will likely know why if you follow me over on Instagram. I don't want to get into things today, but 2019 was the worst and as a result, my mental health has been all over the place- I'm constantly flitting (that doesn't sound like a real word? :D) between a deep low to a state of numbness. It's tiring... disorienting... debilitating. The way I'm feeling has seeped into all areas of my life, putting a dampener on everything. When I'm happy for a brief moment, it feels somewhat fake... I don't really know how to put it into words, sort of like true happiness is unattainable to me now. Gosh, reading back over my words, that sounds so dire. My inner emo kid has been awaking ever since My Chemical Romance announced their comeback, but bloody hell XD. Sorry to anyone reading! 

But yeah, that's how things have been going for me. My mental health has been wrecking havoc on my ability to function. I guess that leads me onto a topic for this post I'm writing today. 

A photo showing two notebooks with insect designs on the covers, a floral pen and a Moomin pin badge

Any blogger, or creator sharing their work with others, will tell you that even with the most confident of people, there are always going to be times when you critique yourselves too harshly, question whether your work is good enough, wonder if you sound silly or [insert another negative descriptive here]. It's inevitable. We are our own worst critics, as they say. However, when you struggle with low confidence on a daily basis, or live with a mental illness- the self-doubt can be intense and really affect writing (or whatever creative outlet is your thing). 

I can't put a number to how many times I've deleted posts because I wasn't happy with how it read, or left content sitting unpublished for weeks, months even, trying to persuade myself that it was good enough to share. I often have to get my friends to read my writing for reassurance, too. That's the reality of being a blogger when you deal with anxiety disorder and depression >.< 

As with all chronic illnesses, when times are tough, when life is stressful, when you're feeling under the weather and whatnot, your conditions get worse. So all of these 'symptoms', things that occur due to that relentless, judging internal voice, become amplified, more nagging, and can have a substantial impact on the criticism we dish out to ourselves. 

So, how does this tie in with my current situation? Amongst other things, something that I can only describe as perfectionism plays a huge role in my anxiety around blogging. Well, writing in any form... essays and assignments back when I was studying, the fantasy stories I enjoy writing as a hobby, even when formulating emails or having conversations online- all that I do with regards to writing is, for lack of a better word, obsessed over. It's because it means so much to me! I put a lot into my writing and it's my favourite way of expressing myself, and thus it's something I give myself a lot of pressure to do well at. And when I'm experiencing feelings like the way I am at the moment, where my inner negativity monster is seemingly winning (if that even makes sense), my perfectionism complex is raging. 

A photo showing two notebooks with insect designs on the covers, a floral pen and a Moomin pin badge

If you made it through my rambles this far and haven't clicked off my blog in boredom, then I want to say Thankyou :) I know it probably sucks that this is my first post in ages and of the New Year, but I want to share something personal with you guys, especially with my loyal readers who have stuck around even though I've become the worst blogger ever. It means so much to me! Life is tough, but it's made that little bit more bearable knowing that you all still want to visit my little corner of the internet and are interested in what's going on in my mess of a life ♥ 

Anyhow, the reason I wanted to spill my brains into this post and share with you all my dealings with the wonderful world of perfectionism is because it's this very thing that has caused (not solely, but mostly) my severe lack of posts. Self-criticism has been ridiculously peaked for me, for a while now, meaning that I just couldn't bring myself to post new content or even write it. I convinced myself that in cheerful posts I sounded like I was trying too hard to disguise the reality, that I felt really shitty. I told myself that nothing read well, everything was uninteresting or lacking something that I didn't have the ability to fix. 

Upon reflection, I know that these 'imperfections' would probably have been unnoticeable to someone reading my posts, but at the time of writing, the anxiety was overwhelming and so I just couldn't work past it. Blogging just wasn't happening :( 

I thought that this would go away as time went by, that things would get better. But I'm still feeling as crap as ever, and I can't say anything has gotten easier. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to help pull myself out of this hole that I've fallen into. However, my blog is important to me and it's causing me so much stress that it's just sitting here being neglected. I want 2020 to be better and so I've decided that I'm going to work my butt off to get things at Raiin Monkey back to how they were. If my writing sounds rubbish or is boring or doesn't make sense, fuck it. I'm trying my best and that's all that I can do! 

So, I think I'm going to end my first post of 2020 here before I give myself the opportunity to go off on a tangent, and make anyone actually reading this never want to come back to my blog again :D Thanks again to anyone who made it this far! You're all stars & I love you!! Wishing you all an incredibly wonderful year, filled with yummy food, happy moments, good mental health days & all the motivation to get shit done! 

Thankyou for reading!


What's something that you're looking forward to this year?

Did you set any goals for yourself? I'd love to hear what they are!

Even though I've been crap at blogging, I'm still active over on my social media, so give me a follow to keep up to date with what I'm doing and such :)

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