Blogging & Perfectionism

This probably isn't going to be a very interesting post to read, more like reading a diary entry full of rambling. I'm not sure; I'm just sort of word-vomiting onto my laptop, in an attempt to get myself back into the swing of blogging. Maybe I'll post this, maybe not. So, I haven't blogged in what feels like forever (since the start of November, to be exact!). 

You will likely know why if you follow me over on Instagram. I don't want to get into things today, but 2019 was the worst and as a result, my mental health has been all over the place- I'm constantly flitting (that doesn't sound like a real word? :D) between a deep low to a state of numbness. It's tiring... disorienting... debilitating. The way I'm feeling has seeped into all areas of my life, putting a dampener on everything. When I'm happy for a brief moment, it feels somewhat fake... I don't really know how to put it into words, sort of like true happiness is unattainable to me now. Gosh, reading back over my words, that sounds so dire. My inner emo kid has been awaking ever since My Chemical Romance announced their comeback, but bloody hell XD. Sorry to anyone reading! 

But yeah, that's how things have been going for me. My mental health has been wrecking havoc on my ability to function. I guess that leads me onto a topic for this post I'm writing today. 

Any blogger, or creator sharing their work with others, will tell you that even with the most confident of people, there are always going to be times when you critique yourselves too harshly, question whether your work is good enough, wonder if you sound silly or [insert another negative descriptive here]. It's inevitable. We are our own worst critics, as they say. However, when you struggle with low confidence on a daily basis, or live with a mental illness- the self-doubt can be intense and really affect writing (or whatever creative outlet is your thing). 

I can't put a number to how many times I've deleted posts because I wasn't happy with how it read, or left content sitting unpublished for weeks, months even, trying to persuade myself that it was good enough to share. I often have to get my friends to read my writing for reassurance, too. That's the reality of being a blogger when you deal with anxiety disorder and depression >.< 

As with all chronic illnesses, when times are tough, when life is stressful, when you're feeling under the weather and whatnot, your conditions get worse. So all of these 'symptoms', things that occur due to that relentless, judging internal voice, become amplified, more nagging, and can have a substantial impact on the criticism we dish out to ourselves. 

So, how does this tie in with my current situation? Amongst other things, something that I can only describe as perfectionism plays a huge role in my anxiety around blogging. Well, writing in any form... essays and assignments back when I was studying, the fantasy stories I enjoy writing as a hobby, even when formulating emails or having conversations online- all that I do with regards to writing is, for lack of a better word, obsessed over. It's because it means so much to me! I put a lot into my writing and it's my favourite way of expressing myself, and thus it's something I give myself a lot of pressure to do well at. And when I'm experiencing feelings like the way I am at the moment, where my inner negativity monster is seemingly winning (if that even makes sense), my perfectionism complex is raging. 

If you made it through my rambles this far and haven't clicked off my blog in boredom, then I want to say Thankyou :) I know it probably sucks that this is my first post in ages and of the New Year, but I want to share something personal with you guys, especially with my loyal readers who have stuck around even though I've become the worst blogger ever. It means so much to me! Life is tough, but it's made that little bit more bearable knowing that you all still want to visit my little corner of the internet and are interested in what's going on in my mess of a life ♥ 

Anyhow, the reason I wanted to spill my brains into this post and share with you all my dealings with the wonderful world of perfectionism is because it's this very thing that has caused (not solely, but mostly) my severe lack of posts. Self-criticism has been ridiculously peaked for me, for a while now, meaning that I just couldn't bring myself to post new content or even write it. I convinced myself that in cheerful posts I sounded like I was trying too hard to disguise the reality, that I felt really shitty. I told myself that nothing read well, everything was uninteresting or lacking something that I didn't have the ability to fix. 

Upon reflection, I know that these 'imperfections' would probably have been unnoticeable to someone reading my posts, but at the time of writing, the anxiety was overwhelming and so I just couldn't work past it. Blogging just wasn't happening :( 

I thought that this would go away as time went by, that things would get better. But I'm still feeling as crap as ever, and I can't say anything has gotten easier. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to help pull myself out of this hole that I've fallen into. However, my blog is important to me and it's causing me so much stress that it's just sitting here being neglected. I want 2020 to be better and so I've decided that I'm going to work my butt off to get things at Raiin Monkey back to how they were. If my writing sounds rubbish or is boring or doesn't make sense, fuck it. I'm trying my best and that's all that I can do! 

So, I think I'm going to end my first post of 2020 here before I give myself the opportunity to go off on a tangent, and make anyone actually reading this never want to come back to my blog again :D Thanks again to anyone who made it this far! You're all stars & I love you!! Wishing you all an incredibly wonderful year, filled with yummy food, happy moments, good mental health days & all the motivation to get shit done! 

Thankyou for reading!

♥ 

What's something that you're looking forward to this year?

Did you set any goals for yourself? I'd love to hear what they are!

Even though I've been crap at blogging, I'm still active over on my social media, so give me a follow to keep up to date with what I'm doing and such :)

| Instagram | Twitter | Pinterest | Tumblr | 

Why I'm Not Setting Goals This Year

Happy Thursday guys! At the end of January, I took part in a monthly twitter chat for the Blog Network (run by my lovely friends Estelle & Stacey), and the theme was goals. It was lovely to chat about this topic with other bloggers and to get an idea of how they all set goals, and also what their plans were for 2019! I talked about how I'm approaching the year myself, and it was nice to receive encouragement ♥ Today's post has been inspired by this twitter chat (even though I've taken my time getting it written up XD). I thought it would be helpful to others who, like me really struggle with feelings of failure when I don't manage to complete goals I've set. I decided after how tough a year I had in 2018 that I was no longer going to allow myself to get hung up on goals and end up putting unnecessary pressure on myself. So, I have started off twenty-nineteen without setting any concrete goals, and wanted to share my feelings about this with you all. I hope that this post is a good read! 

I feel like I have said it a hundred times now over the last year or so, but 2018 really was a pile of shit for me! I mean there were a few things that made the year bearable, which will allow me to look back at it and remember those things and ignore everything else, but as a whole, it sucked! I feel like any progress that I made with my mental illness 'recovery' the previous year just got wiped clean and thus I was a mess psychologically by the end of 2018. A lot of things happened that were out of my control that caused me a lot of turmoil, but there was nothing I could do about those things. I couldn't get away from them and I had no support in terms of therapy or anything like that (the reasons are a story for another day, maybe, but I'm not happy at all with my local MH services). I tried to get through my year the way I had planned at New Year 2017, when like most people, I set goals or resolutions for the twelve months ahead, and this is one of factors that ended up making everything just more of a struggle! 

Basically, whenever I was having one of those days... (we say this like they happen so sparingly, but when you're dealing with mental illness, those days happen all the time!), anyhow whenever I was experiencing days when depressive thoughts were all-consuming, I would always beat myself up over how bad I was doing when it came to my goals, even though I was trying my best just to get through each day, and so all of my attention was focused on that, and the goals I made got put on the back burner, or however that saying goes. 

Despite trying to remind myself that I was doing the best I could, depression likes to ignore reason and make you feel crap regardless of this, and as a consequence, I would obsess over all of the things I hadn't done. I would feel pathetic and like I was just allowing my life to fade away with nothing good to show for my existence. It feel embarrassed knowing that people are going to read those words, but I know there are other people out there who have to deal with mental illness themselves and if reading what I have to say can help them feel less alone, then it will be worth any awkwardness I feel about sharing this on the internet! 

After reflecting over 2018 and trying to decide how to better manage my mental well-being going into this year, I knew that having goals and especially sharing them on my blog had impacted me negatively. Since I had shared the goals online, I felt especially pressured to show that I was completing them and give updates, but I wasn't completing them and had nothing to show, and that just reinforced my feelings of failure and made me worry that everyone else was going to see me as a failure too. I wanted to ensure that this wasn't going to happen again, and I decided that I was not setting any goals for 2019! 

If I did have a goal for this year, it would be to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. To give myself the same level of understanding that I give to others, and to just cut myself some slack! As the beautifully illustrated postcard that I've used in my photography today so rightly says, I need to allow myself to be where I am (artwork is from The Sad Ghost Club). I am determined this year to just let myself be. To just go with the flow and do things when they feel right and not to let myself stress over what I'm not doing, but to be happy about the things that I am doing :) 

I want to celebrate the little victories! I want to focus on all of the stuff that fills me with joy and makes me smile and have an appreciation for life. I want to be able to look back on the year and remember that no matter how small something may seem, it is important and valuable and I did it! In 2017, I made a memory jar but I only put two notes into it last year... this year is going to be different. I am going to fill it with all of the small triumphs and events and moments that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside :3 #cheesemuch. No matter what the next 10 months are going to throw at me, I am going to stay focused on just trying my best! 

So that is why I am seeing no concentre goals this year. I know that is a good decision to put my mental health first and hopefully some day, I am make goals again, but for now I am just going to give myself room to breath and time to heal. I do think that goals are awesome to have and I commend anyone who sets them and does a fabulous job achieving them. You guys are awesome! But I also want to remind others that even if you are not achieving any goals you set, that does not mean you're failing, it does not mean that you will never complete your goals either. You are doing awesome too, and you will get there! Just give it your best attempt and remember to be kind to yourself :)

Thankyou for reading! 

♥

Did you make any goals this year? 

I'd love to hear what they are!

Are any of you guys approaching the year the same way as I am?

~ Instagram ~ Twitter ~ Pinterest ~ Tumblr ~ Bloglovin' ~

Thankyou ♥

Hi lovelies! Today's post is potentially going to be a bit of an informal, rambley kind but we'll see how it turns out once I get into it, haha. If you follow me on Twitter, then you may have seen my tweets yesterday, about the fact that it marked my 3rd blogiversary and that also it happened to be a day when my mental health left me in a pretty shitty state of mind. Without sugar-coating things, last week was sort of a blur for me. Living with depression is often associated with feeling sad all the time, and whilst there are definitely moments like that, it's not really talked about how the mental illness can make you feel numb, like you are sort of just existing in what I can only describe as a world of nothingness. With that comes all sorts of feelings of guilt, etc... like why do I feel empty when 'this' happens, or why do I not feel happy right now when 'that' has taken place? I use this and that in my description because there are just so many examples, when you feel like you are supposed to have, for instance, a happy feeling but instead, you don't feel anything and are left thinking you are, for lack of a better word, broken....

Well my life for the last week or so has been like that, and with this comes all sorts of feelings of confusion, anger, guilt, but because you're not really able to emotionally work through these feelings, they are kind of repressed and once you start to get back into a ''normal'' head space, the feelings all hit you at once, it just makes life extremely overwhelming. Yesterday was like this for me and it was exhausting and all-consuming and bleak, and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to feel like celebrating. Then on top of that, I had a lot of negative thoughts about my blog, insecurities were surfacing that I'm sure all bloggers have from time-to-time, but given the way I was feeling anyway, I was just obsessing over these insecurities continuously throughout the day. I was wondering why people read my blog when I feel like it's such a mess... well, I feel like it's been poor quality this year, I don't really know how to sum up my feelings in one sentence, so bare with me XD

I feel like I mention it a lot and I worry that people will get bored of hearing it, but this year has been so hard for me. Just when I felt like I was starting to make some progress with my mental health ''recovery'', I went through so much emotional turmoil that made me feel like I was back at square one again. It was a challenge to try and hold myself together. 2018 brought with it so many tough things to deal with, like my mom being ill (I don't feel like I'm in the right frame of mind to talk about it right now, but you can read more here), and another stressful situation involving family that I don't feel is my place to talk about online. As a result of the stress from everything going on, my mental illnesses were very much affected and in turn, my physical health conditions flared up, which of course put further strain on my mental health. I was in a cycle of physical and psychological pain and not really sure how to do anything about it. I felt powerless and lost, and trying to maintain a level of normalcy in my everyday life was proving more and more difficult. 

I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to try to carry on like I wasn't going through all of this, and when I couldn't do the things I usually did, I was beating myself up for it. I was trying to force myself to do things, and then this took much of the joy away from things that I used to find so fun. One of the hardest symptoms of depression is that it takes away your passion for things, they aren't as enjoyable anymore and you desperately try to ignite the love you felt for it, and it's devastating when you don't know if you'll feel it again. Sure, there are occasions when you feel truly happy but at the same time, the emotions often feel somehow muted, not as intense as they once were, and it really sucks! Sorry guys, this post is probably so miserable to read but I just felt compelled to let it all out, to share it with you all ♥

In my struggles, I stopped taking my anti-depressants because I just felt like they were doing nothing to help me, when I should have instead talked to my doctor about increasing the dosage, but my anxiety had gotten to the stage where I wanted to avoid all social situations that I find difficult enough as it is. I also felt like my local mental health services pretty much abandoned me, but maybe I'll talk about that another time. Nothing seemed to be going right in my life. I stopped being able to function properly; I didn't want to look after myself and I was finding it hard to put on a happy face around people. Things were only getting worse the more I kept trying to carry on with things whilst having no treatment for my mental health. I was struggling to keep myself out of self-destructive mindsets, which were telling me to just give up on everything I had worked so hard at and poured so much heart into, and one of these was blogging.

I love blogging! Having my blog has been so helpful for me over these last few years. When I was in a really bad place with my mental health after graduating from university and moving back home, I started my blog as a creative outlet, as a place for me to express myself and to write about all of the things that made me happy. I wanted to focus on the little things in life that brought me joy, and my blog become my little happy place. I was (and still very much am) delighted when other people started to read and comment on my posts and find joy in the same things that I did. I have met so many wonderful new friends through blogging and I love you all so much :) I feel like this year, I have really sucked at showing it though! I struggle with social interaction enough as it is, but with the way I've been feeling, I have just neglected so many things. Of course, this is not because I wanted to, I have just felt so much lack of control over my own life; I don't know how to express fully what it has felt like to be honest. Regardless, I have tried so hard to motivate myself and on a good day, I am glad that I have been able to get a blog post up. On a bad day though, which not to be dramatic but have literally taken up most of my year, I have not been able to find the motivation, the drive, the energy, whatever it is, to do it. No matter how much I have wanted to, despite having so many ideas in my head, I just cannot find the words, or more accurately I cannot find the passion to put it down on paper so to speak (put it down on... laptop, doesn't have quite the same ring to it :D haha!). 

Whenever my head is filled with the negative feelings I have about my blog, I always think about my lack of posts this year. I am forever questioning the quality of my writing or if it reads interesting or my personality shines through in my words, but I imagine that most bloggers feel like that once they have hit the publish button. For me, when I look at how many posts I've shared in my previous two years of blogging, and see all the content that I can look back on and be proud of, I feel good about my little space on the internet. It's not that I focus on quantity over quality or anything like that, but I like to look at my blog almost like an photo album or a diary, it lays out for me so many of the occasions in my life that I enjoyed enough to want to share with the world. It is lovely being able to look back through these happy times whenever I am feeling blue, but because I haven't been blogging in the same way this year, I don't get to do that. I know that there's still lots of posts, but for me it's almost like a diary with some of the pages torn out... 

I'm probably not making my blog sound like it's worth reading much in this post *insert several shy face monkey emojis here*. Oops, but now that I've probably embarrassed myself, I wanted to say the things that were my inspiration for this post in the first place. And that's thankyou. I wanted to give a huge thankyou to every single one of you that have stuck by me and my blog this year, despite the fact that I'm not as active online anymore and I barely share any posts. It means so much to me that you still tag me in your posts, and mention me in Friday Follows over on Twitter, that you all still remain my friends even though I am not around as much as I would like to be. All of these things, no matter how insignificant they may seem to some, have been very important for me, because they have kept me going with my blog when I felt like I should just give up with it. On some of my lowest days when I've felt like I was... forgettable, it has reminded me that there are people that actually like me :D I feel so shy writing this down (eeek!). So I just wanted to explain what's been going on with me, and maybe help someone else with similar thoughts and feelings know that they are not alone in their struggles. I am working my hardest to get things back on track with my blog and my life in general, and I am starting to see little improvements as I go. But yeah thanks for baring with me and for making it through reading this post. I cannot say thankyou enough and I will keep saying it if I continue writing, so it might be a good point to end it here XD haha. Happy three years to my blog and happy three years of knowing all of my awesome followers and friends! You guys make it special for me, you are all stars :) Here's to three more years of putting up with me! 

Thankyou for reading! 

(There I go again :p)

♥

Also if you have a favourite thing about my blog or a favourite blog post/ type of blog post or anything like that, and you wanna share that with me, please let me know in the comments :) 

Preparing To Travel When You Have Anxiety | Mental Health

Hey lovelies! If you guys didn't already know, my best friends & I are heading to Portugal next month and I am super excited! The main agenda for our trip is to celebrate the Eurovision Song Contest, which will take place on the 12th May in Lisbon, however we decided to book eight days and make it a holiday! It's been two years since I travelled to Sweden with one of my besties for Eurovision and with it being a longer trip too, I'm feeling pretty damn anxious >.< I have been preparing myself for this trip for a while now and I thought I'd share some of the ways that I've been getting myself psyched for my travels, to help my fellow anxiety-riddled people! Although this post should be helpful for anyone who's going on vacation and has some nerves surrounding it!

When it comes to travel tips, there's quite a few vlogs and posts out there all about dealing with in-the-moment anxiety whilst holidaying, or how to cope with specific anxiety surrounding the flight and/or journey itself, but there's little on how to prepare before you actually set off. For me (and I know for many others too) however my anxiety is a problem before an event or trip actually takes place. Anticipatory anxiety is what causes me to work myself up and I often let the panic build to the point where I end up having to cancel my plans. Holidays are great for this in one aspect because once you've paid all that money for your flights and accommodation and whatever, you can't really go back on it! This is a blessing in disguise though when you feel like there's no turning back, but in the end it makes you work through your anxiety and conquer your fears. I know that I felt great after I'd come home from Stockholm, I was proud of myself and I had the best time so all of it was worth it, even dealing with the stress of it all! Travel is really fun and you shouldn't let things hold you back from exploring new places :) Anyhow, I feel like I'm rambling, let's get on with this post haha!

Lists are your best friend!

Making lists is something that I do all the time, on a daily basis, sometimes several times in a day. This includes to do lists, goals, weekly plans, money plans, blogging objectives, the list is endless (haha, see what I did there! XD I attempted to be funny). I find that planning my life like this really helps to reduce my anxiety. Having things written down after thinking them through in my head is stress-relieving. It allows me to feel... I don't know how to word it... secure. Secure in the fact that if I stick to my lists, everything will go to plan, and for someone with anxiety of which a very common symptom is a fear of the unknown/uncertain, of not being in control, this can be super helpful. Reading through my lists, and checking things off as I go along, helps to reassure me that everything will be okay and that I'm achieving something, no matter how small of a step I've completed.

So when it comes to going on a trip/holiday, I make no exceptions... I make lists, lots of them! I start a few months before the trip, so that I give myself time to mentally prepare for travelling and everything that comes along with it. It can be a stressful experience for anyone, but add a brain that thinks that anything and everything is a life-or-death situation, and it's a whole other thing! I re-write these lists over time, updating them and that helps me somewhat memorise them, which again gives me some relief because I feel that little bit more prepared. It's very easy in a panic situation to not be able to think clearly, so memorising things ahead of time can be important. 

So you're probably wondering by now what sort of lists I actually make, right? I write lists for what I need to pack in both my suitcase and my hand luggage, what I'm going to wear each day of the vacation, what I already have and what I need to buy, a plan for the travelling to my destination and one for the journey home (times, places I need to be, what I need to bring with me, etc.), what I'm going to eat when I'm out there... basically ALL THE LISTS! For any aspect of the trip I can possibly think of, I write it all down and it helps to clarify everything for me. I recommend that you have a go at this too if you struggle with anxiety or you are super nervous about your trip. You don't have to go as extra as I do haha! But writing lists and checking them off can be essential for keeping you from panicking last minute, which is only going to make things worse!

Excitement reduces anxiety

Those dreadful anxious thoughts that circulate constantly in our minds when we are worried about something can be greatly reduced when we have something to distract ourselves. Having things other than all of your negative feelings to concentrate on is super important whenever you're experiencing anticipatory anxiety. You need to be able to channel your thoughts onto positive subjects when you're starting to feel overwhelmed by your nerves! I know all too well that it is easier said than done to try to think about other things when you are in full on panic mode, but this is something that you really have to put all of your energy into doing. If you are looking forward to something it makes it just that bit easier to distract yourself. Whenever I get anxious before going to Comic Con each year for example, I think about all of the amazing cosplay I will see, I spend the days leading up to the convention watching YouTube videos of cosplay and looking back through photographs I took at previously Comic Con's I've attended. I think about all of the awesome merch I can buy and about how much fun I'll have spending time with my best friend. I save things onto my phone so that I have easy access to something positive surrounding the thing I'm freaking out about. 

And it's the same when it comes to travelling! More than likely if you're going on holiday somewhere, you are going to be looking forward to it. No one is going to pay all that money to visit somewhere they don't want to go, so you're already one step in the right direction to begin with! There's already reasons why you are interested in visiting this destination and so it's time to focus on these reasons :) Are you a fan of history or architecture or art? Then have a google or a search on social media to find things that catch your eye! Are you going over to another town or country to see a live band or a musical? Then pour all of your attention into the fact that you actually get to see them/it in person.

For me, I love watching travel vlogs! I will (and have) spend hours and hours watching people's videos of their time visiting the place that I'm going to. The more amazing sites and interesting places I see, the more pumped up I get to see them for myself :) Honestly this has been something that has really helped me and I have not shut up to anyone who will listen about all of the awesome things to see and do in Lisbon! List making has overlapped with this too because I've now made lists of all of the sites I want to see! :D So if you are nervous about going on vacation, be sure to focus on why you want to go there and the fabulous time that you're going to have, and it will make such a difference to how you feel. 

Planning is key

Some people would prefer to visit a new place and only have a rough idea, or even no idea at all, what to expect to see and do there. Although it can be exciting to not know too much and be surprised by what you discover when it comes to travelling, this is not something that is possible for most of us with anxiety. I love surprises when they involve minor things like opening presents and subscription boxes,  finding new items in a store, going to see a new movie at the cinema or trying sweets from another country, etc., all these things are not going to have a negative impact on how I function. But when it comes to visiting somewhere new, if something happens that I am not even considering and thus totally unprepared to deal with, it will more than likely have a big effect on how the rest of my time there goes. I will be on edge of said thing happening again and I might not be ready to deal with it in the moment and/or the aftereffects. Even things that seem like they wouldn't be an issue to most people may be problems for people with anxiety, so we have to prepare for so many things that might not even cross your mind. This is why planning is key!

I like to plan everything down to a T as much as is possible, but when you are travelling with multiple people this can be difficult to achieve as you have to take into account what everyone in the group wants to do. Of course travelling with a spoonie means that there are things that they are not going to be able to do so it's important that you are aware of their limitations beforehand. You wouldn't go to an all dairy restaurant (imagining that they don't have dairy-free alternatives of course) with someone who is lactose-intolerant. Just as you wouldn't go to a butterfly house with someone who has a phobia of butterflies. Planning with all people involved in mind is going to be something that will help you prepare for your travels and put your mind at ease about anything happening that you're not comfortable with or whatever.

The things that I like to plan include: what are the local attractions, how much it will cost for admission and how would I get there from where I am staying, what might I need to bring, and what can I expect from visiting such a place. Something that is a popular suggestion from counsellors and therapists is to create action plans for dealing with specific events that trigger your anxiety, such as 'going to the shopping centre'. You write down all of the things that make you anxious about going there, all of things that you predict might happen that would be a problem for you, and then write up solutions for how you are going to deal with it if what you predict does actually happen. It is also recommended that you score your predictions based on how likely they are to really occur. An action plan can be useful for anyone's mental health, whether you have anxiety disorder or not, so you should definitely give it a go if you think it might be useful for you :) 

Research, Research, Research

This point coincides well with what I said about planning, but it goes that one step further to helping those with anxiety prepare to travel. It's great to have an idea of what you're going to do on holiday and doing some basic reading about what your accommodation is like for example. However for me, researching everything I possibly can about certain places is reassuring and puts my mind at ease. I know that a lot of people like to be organised and thorough with their planning so they research the heck out of their holiday destination anyway, but I thought it was still an important suggestion to make.

When I've been researching for Lisbon, I've looked into all sorts such as locations of the attractions and what other things there are to see in the same area, so that I can spend less time on public transport. I checked out what kind of restaurants there are in Lisbon, what some of the traditional foods and drinks are, what the nightlife is like, what time the various public transport runs until, how far our accommodation is away from places I'm interested in going to, etc etc. I have read a lot of reviews about attractions, restaurants, the area in general, our accommodation and more, and seeing great reviews has helped me to feel more confident about visiting. I actually find researching really fun because I'm a dork like that :P Watching vlogs has always been a way of researching, and being able to actually visualise the locations is something that I find very useful. When I actually arrive at the destination and see places that are now familiar, it makes me feel less uncertain, and that little bit more secure in my surroundings :) 

Don't prepare everything in the last week!

Everyone I know gets kinda stressed when they are making sure that they have everything they need for their vacation ready and packed. However a lot of people I know sort most of these things out last minute, or at least within the last week leading up to their take-off date. This is something that I would advised against for anyone preparing to go on holiday, but even more so for people who are experiencing anxiety. There is nothing more stressful than feeling rushed when you're dealing with insecurities, and thoughts that you have forgotten something essential and that you are not ready to leave. It's horrid! So give yourself lots of time to get everything in order and to make yourself feel comfortable that you are well and truly prepared as far as packing goes. Try to get your holiday shopping done as early as you can. Make a check list and follow it, ticking off the items as you buy them. Read your list to someone else because they might notice something you've missed that's important to get for your trip. Even if you don't organise your suitcase and hand luggage until the final week before departure, I recommend having your suitcase ready and putting everything you buy inside so that you know where it is when you need to finish packing. Just do it as soon as you feel is good for you and then you can take your time :) Oh and make sure you know where your passport is if you're going abroad, find it early and pop it in your suitcase! 

Bring distractions & comfort items with you!

Lastly, I want to include a tip that isn't necessarily something you do to get yourself ready to go on holiday but more so to prepare yourself for any anxiety you'll experience on your journey and whilst you're there. As I was mentioned earlier in this post, distracting yourself from those anxious thoughts is something that will definitely help with your mental and emotional state, because you will not be focused on that negative internal voice, overthinking all of the worse possible scenarios. It is good to keep your mind occupied by doing things that you enjoy, whether that be by listening to music, reading, colouring in or doing a puzzle, playing with some kind of fiddle toy, drawing, watching a TV show or movie. Whatever it is that calms your mind or that pulls you in enough to focus on something other than your anxiety, bring it on holiday with you! Remember to download your music or shows/films for the plane beforehand because you won't be able to connect to the internet. Don't forget to pack a pen if you're packing something like a crossword book. 

Other than things to keep you distracted, it can also be beneficial to bring something with you that reminds you someone, something that makes you happy, something that is your good luck charm. Whatever it may be, take something that brings you comfort and make you feel better :) A lot of people experience 'home sickness', anxiety about being away from home, so a comfort item like this can help make them feel in a way that little closer to home.

So, those are all of the main preparations I make to give myself as much opportunity as I can to enjoy my holiday despite having generalised anxiety and social anxiety disorder. All of this might seem a lot to do before going on vacation, but for me these steps are essential for me to not be a complete nervous wreck. I am determined to not let my awkward brain spoil myself having a great time and doing something that I have always wanted to do, which is to travel. I might not be able to jet off all the time, or take advantage of those cheap, spontaneous trips available online, but I am doing my best to still explore the world one step at a time. I know that this was a long post, but I had lots of say and I hope that my suggestions are helpful! Let me know in the comments if there's anything  I missed that you do to help reduce your anxiety when preparing to go on holiday. 

Thankyou for reading! 

♥

Are any of you guys going on holiday this year?

I'd love to here all about it! 

Check out this post I wrote all about travelling when you're a spoonie! 

Depression & Numbness | Mental Health

Hello everyone! Today's post is going to be a more personal one, about something that has been really affecting me lately. It's been quite a while since I shared a post opening up about my mental health; my last one was all about what it's like for me living with obsessive compulsive disorder. Although many people still undermine the severity of OCD, and see it as being overly cleanly or strict when it comes to organisation, there is still a lot of information about it available online. However, when it comes to a particular symptom of depression (and many other MH conditions), the symptom that my post today is about, not many people know too much about it and there definitely isn't all that much information out there. I wanted to do my little bit to change that, to share with you all about numbness, what it really means and how it impacts my life. My hope is that this post helps others who can relate to what I've written, and also that it lets people know about something they may have never heard of before reading my post ♥

So you may be thinking... what do you mean by numbness? And to be honest, it's a little hard for me to put into words that really explain how tough this symptom can be.

What I basically mean is emotional numbness. The inability to process emotions, a feeling of being empty, being void of emotional response to things that used to make you feel something. When people have heard of this, it's usually focused on a situation of grief, on lost or heartbreak or deep sadness. Which is definitely part of it, but what some people might not know is that it has an effect on all of your emotions... happiness, anger, excitement. Emotional numbness can make them feel muted, like your feelings somehow don't work anymore. 'Some people describe the emotional numbness as feeling unfocused or ungrounded' - the healthline. It is a very distressing thing to live with, and it makes it tough to challenge the other symptoms of your mental health condition because you just can't seem to regain your emotions. 

It can also impact anxiety, which is just double the stress if also struggle with anxiety alongside your depression. You may be constantly worried about how your emotional reactions are viewed by others, or that they will think you are being ungrateful or cold or intentionally being awkward about something. I know that this is something that I personally get nervous about. As well as affecting your anxiety, emotional numbness can cause you to experience a serious lack of motivation, because well, your enthusiasm for things that you used to love doing may have dissolved. Where you once felt excited to get up and go do something like a much-loved hobby, you might now not be bothered about whether you do it or not. One of the most common ways in which depression affects people is by making them not enjoy things they used to love to the same degree anymore, and when this is coupled with emotional numbness, it can make everything feel like there's not much point to it anymore. 

How has emotional numbness affected my life? 

I have always been an over-emotional, very sensitive person. I am the one who sobs their heart out at movies and TV shows. Someone who's default emotional response to any feeling is to cry, whether I feel mad or upset or really joyful. I tear up if I see something that's really adorable because I can't cope with how cute it is! Yeah, I'm that emotional, haha! Or so, I used to be... then emotional numbness came along and took ahold of my feelings. It's really strange how it progressed, like the symptom just creeped up on me and I didn't even realise how much it was affecting me for ages. At first, I was just not as excited anymore, about most things that used to fill me with happiness. This was starting to really be a problem since I had little things that would still help to cheer me up when I was having a particularly bad depression day, when my intrusive thoughts wouldn't go away, but these self care practices started being less and less effective. This left me at a loss on what to do to improve my mood. 

I've briefly mentioned a few times on my blog that I have been going through some family problems and other stressful situations over the past few months, and I noticed a difference in the way I responded emotionally to those things too. Originally, they were a challenge to cope with, but over time I started to feel numb about them, like I felt nothing at all anymore. As a result, my anxiety was heightened because I began worrying about why I wasn't bothered. I was getting all sorts of unwanted thoughts about myself because of it. This is when things started being a huge problem, and I feel embarrassed talking about how feeling emotional numbness started to make me behave :( 

I started to get into a very self-destructive mind set, in an attempt to make me feel something. I tried other things at first to try to help with the numbness, such as listening to songs that have always made me have an emotional response, you know the kinds of songs that belong on a break-up playlist. I also watched a few movies that would always be my go-to when I needed a good cry. None of these things really did much to help me, even though I did tear up to a few of them, they didn't do anything to get me out of the headspace that I was in. There are many self-destructive symptoms when it comes to depression, one of them I have already talked about on here before and its probably the first one to pop into your mind when you think about the topic. However, there are plenty of others.. for me, I would try to make myself upset. I would start thinking about triggering moments from my past or I would go over and over something in my mind that I thought would make me react. I feel really anxious sharing this online, almost ashamed at myself *insert 26 shy-faced monkey emojis*, but I just feel like it might be helpful to me to say it aloud like this, and hopefully make someone feel not so alone in their own struggles. But yeah, none of these behaviours where doing much, other than making me stressed at myself that I kept putting myself through those things. 

Another thing that my feelings of numbness seem to be causing me to do is to lose track of my days. It's not that I forget the day of the week or whatever, but there doesn't feel like there's a clear margin between each day. I don't even know if that makes sense. It's like my days are an endless blur, like one constant day filled with the same old stuff. Fellow spoonies, have any of you ever felt like this? That's another thing that is impacting me... I just feel so alone in this feeling. I know that there's people out there experiencing the same things as me, but at the time that I'm stressing about what I'm going through, I feel so isolated, like no one would understand if I tried to explain. 

I wanted to conclude today's post with some advice, but I'm not sure I can give much because I'm still dealing with emotional numbness and I don't yet know how to help improve things for my mental wellbeing. All I can say is that I am putting in a lot of effort to stop myself getting into the habit of using self-destructive behaviours, because in the long run this might have a horrid effect on me. I might be building up all of these negative emotions that all decide to come to light when I do start to feel more again. This has already been happening a little. I've started to feel something, and then it becomes very overwhelming. I'm getting there though guys! Apologies if this post has been a miserable one to read. On a positive note, a piece of beneficial advice that I can give is to keep doing things that used to make you happy, don't give up trying to make yourself feel good, even if at the moment it may seem pointless. Just keep at it and eventually you might feel awesome :)

Also talking to someone, a mental health professional, might be something that helps you. It is believed that emotional numbness can be caused because you've endured a lot of tough things and have bottled it all up inside, so being able to express your feelings might make a big difference to how you feel. You can talk to your GP to get referred to your local mental health services. It's worth a try, even if you don't think it will have any effect, it might surprise you. Look after yourself guys!

Thankyou for reading! 

♥

Have you ever experienced anything similar to what I've mentioned today?

Or had a loved one go through similar things?

If you have any thoughts or advice, please share them in the comments :) 

Living with OCD | Mental Health

Hello everyone! If you didn't know, last week was a week of mental health awareness with Tuesday 10th being #MentalHealthAwarenessDay. The week was dedicated to getting people discussing mental health issues, a time for people to share their own stories of personal struggles and experiences, all aiming to help break down the societal stigma surrounding mental health problems and mental illnesses. It was awesome to see so much positivity on social media over those seven days, as well as all the support that was shown for people ♥ It was a nice reminder that there are lots of wonderful, kind-hearted people out there, and it's great to not feel so alone in my own personal struggles. If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know that I have generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and depression; I'm pretty open on here about how these mental health conditions affect me. However, there's another mental illness that I've battled with for the last four years or so (although the signs were there since my teens) that I don't really talk about, and that's OCD or Obsessive Compulsion Disorder. 

The reason why I've not shared posts about OCD before is because of both the stigma surrounding it and also my own anxiety. I've been too worried about opening up about it, I guess because I feel embarrassed by it and I really shouldn't! I decided last week that I wanted to challenge myself to talk about it on my blog. I did intend for the post to be up sometime last week but my nerves got the better of me. So, today I finally worked myself up into writing about how Obsessive Compulsive Disorder impacts my life, and even though I'm feeling nervous about sharing this, I feel that I need to: for my own recovery, and to help others too! I hope you find this personal post helpful or informative or whatever guys! 

So what really is OCD? 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a type of anxiety disorder, of which symptoms manifest in two ways, as obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are basically intrusive thoughts, intense worries that mirror the specific anxieties of an individual with OCD. There are many common types of obsession, including thoughts involving harm of yourself or your loved ones, thoughts surrounding exposure to germs, or disasters happening, or based on your relationships and/or sexual orientation, etc. These thoughts cause those with OCD to have the urge to carry out compulsions; these are physical or mental activities that bring relief to someone dealing with unwanted thoughts. Compulsions are normally repetitive, people find that they have to do the activity several times to deal with the stress and anxiety attributed to their obsessive thoughts. Some examples of compulsions: checking something repeatedly such as a door lock, washing specific body parts, and repeating numbers or words.

There are A LOT of misconceptions when it comes to most mental health problems, with people judging sufferers and assuming things about them and their conditions based on these misconceptions. For Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, this is definitely the case! People think that it is all about cleaning, about liking to keep neat and tidy. This misconception is actually based on some truth, as having anxiety surrounding germs and exposure to diseases are very common symptoms of OCD. However, just because someone is very into cleanliness does not mean that they have a mental illness. People saying 'omg I'm so OCD' is very frustrating for people living the condition; it just undermines the severity of it and further perpetuates stigma. Due to these misconceptions, it makes it very hard for people living with OCD to open up about it. Even I have been told that I don't have OCD because I'm not tidy enough! It's ridiculous! Events like Mental Health Awareness Day are crucial because they help to provide people with information about the reality of mental health problems, and this is why I think sharing personal stories is really important. It's certainly tough to hit that publish button, but it can be so beneficial to your recovery if you talk about it and get things out in the open that you may have bottled up. Have you ever blogged about your mental health? How did you feel afterwards? You should be very proud of yourself if you did! 

 OCD & Me

This part of today's post was the most challenging to write for me, just because I've not talked about these symptoms with many people and as I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of feelings of embarassment when it comes to my OCD. However, talking about how conditions affect you is what enables others to understand and relate, and get a glimpse into the reality of living with mental illness so I'm going to try my best to articulate how Obsessive Compulsive Disorder impacts my everyday life. I just wanted to note that not everyone with OCD will experience the same symptoms as me, and that there are so many types of OCD all steming from a variety of different fears and anxieties, I'm just discussing how it affects me personally. 

Repeatedly checking things...  

One of my most frequent symptoms is the need to constantly re-check things, to read them over and over. Whenever I write a message to or email someone, I have to repeatedly proof read what I've written to convince myself that it definitely makes sense, that there are no spelling errors and that I come across in the right way. I also do this whenever I write a card or letter to someone too. Basically anything involving one-on-one correspondance with someone is a stressor for me, unless I am very close to the person but even then, there are times when I still need to do this with them too.

This may not sound like an issue, but it's the amount of times that I need to read something that is problematic, and all of the intrusive thoughts that I get surrounding my need to do it. All of my insecurities about coming across like I'm stupid or something are what drives this obsession. It has gotten me to the point many times where it has taken me hours, sometimes days, to write or reply to a message. I have a few times gotten such intense anxiety that I have reopened letters and cards that I've already checked and thus sealed, because I have convinced myself that I must be wrong and that there's a mistake. I constantly seek reassurance whenever I have to do these things, by getting someone else to check over what I've written, to avoid the intrusive thoughts occuring. Needing reassurance is a big element of all of my mental illness combined and I'm sure that I annoy all of my loved ones with my constant asking them for approval. 

Hoarding...  

This is probably the second most well-known symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You have all probably watched at least one show or documentary before about an extreme hoarder so you'll be familiar with how difficult it can be for people who hoard to get rid of their belongings, no matter how useless they seem to onlookers. There are lots of reasons why people collect too many possessions until they are eventually overrun with them. These obsessions to hoard items may stem from a trauma in their lives which makes them feel the need to store things to use in the future; they may also become emotionally attached to the things they own and these are just a couple of examples. 

I have always had a hard time throwing things away. I get really attached to my possessions, and it makes me worry that people will see me as a materialistic person because of it. I have struggled with depression for most of my life so far and my depression definitely plays into my OCD when it comes to hoarding. Like most people, whenever I get something new it makes me feel good. But because I struggle with my mood as a result of my depression, the happiness that I feel whenever I get something has a real impact on me. I treasure these moments and therefore, I treasure the items associated with these positive feelings on a subconscious level. This makes it so tough for me to part with a lot of my things, even if I know that I don't need them anymore. If I can give them away to someone else, I can usually do that... I like the idea of making someone else happy in the same way that I felt when I got that particular item, but throwing them away to go to waste is just something that I struggle with. I get very worked up about the idea of throwing something away, because of this and also because I think about how the item can be used in the future without me having to re-buy a similar thing some day. 

My intrusive thoughts have gotten me to the point before that I've gone back to the bin bag and taken the item back out again (don't worry guys! I'm not going rummaging through the household bin. When I throw things away, I put them in my bedroom paper bin or into a carrier bag). When it comes to things that have a face too so plushies or keyrings of cute characters and such, I can't bring myself to discard them and the idea makes me pretty upset. To help me overcome this symptom, I like to do clear out's in the company of others so that I can get the answers to my internal questions, and then be encouraged that I don't need to keep something. At the moment, we are in the process of decorating and I will soon have my own bedroom finally so this symptom is being very challenged as I try to organise all of my possessions that have been stored away in boxes and cupboards ever since before I moved away to attend university. My OCD is being really tested and I'm trying my best to not keep items that I really don't have any use for. Wish me luck! 

 

(I hope I'm not boring you too much everyone! If you managed to make it though my post so far guys, well done haha!) 

Ordering & Symmetry... 

This is one of those many symptoms that have so many misconceptions surrounding it. Through tv shows and movies depicting OCD, we are shown many characters with this mental health problem having their house ordered to perfection, and whenever something is moved it causes them a lot of distress. This is not necessarily wrong, because there are people who's OCD makes the order of their possessions very important to their mental well-being. It is only a problem that this has now become one of those stereotypical indicators of OCD and the various other symptoms seem to be unheard of in popular media. I am personally one of those messy organised people, where my bedroom, etc., may appear cluttered to someone else but for me, everything is ordered and I know where to find something if I need it. Having to share a bedroom all of my life so far has probably had something to do with this, nonetheless my things are not stored with precision. 

So is ordering something that affects me when it comes to OCD? Yes, it is. I have mentioned before on my blog that I am a very fussy eater, but this is not just because of what I like to eat. I also have a problem with how my food is ordered on the plate, if certain types of food are touching one another, if the juices of something come into contact with something else on the plate.... it can get pretty ridiculous how stressed I get if things go wrong with my meal. I will often not eat something if it has touched something that I didn't want it to, and this probably makes me sound so silly but yeah it's a thing that has always affected me. I have gotten better with this as I've gotten older but it still makes eating out a stressor. 

As for symmetry, this obsession for me manifests itself in the form of dermatillomania. If you've not heard of this condition before, it's a type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that causes sufferers to obsess over perceived imprefections on their skin to the point that they will try to remove them. Dermatillomania is also known as Excoriation Disorder, more commonly referred to as skin picking disorder. I don't want to go into too much detail here, but I shared a post all about living with skin picking disorder last year on Mental Health Awareness Day that you can read here. How this condition relates to symmetry is that I can't cope with my skin not being smooth or having any lumps or bumps. I have had this condition since my early teens but over time as my mental illness worsened so did the dermatillomania. It's a form of self harm thats very difficult to stop, but I'm working on it :)

Fear of Contamination... 

This obsession is unquestionably the most iconic symptom of OCD. Whenever Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is represented, whether it's in the media or thoroughout society, repetitive hand-washing is always the picture of this mental illness. This depiction of OCD probably derived from the original psychological observations of the condition from back when science wasn't as advanced as it is today and so only the most visual symptoms may have been categorised. Hand-washing is a very common compulsion, and I myself repeatedly perform this ritual whenever my fear of contamination is triggered. Whereas many people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have anxieties routed in fear of germs or disease-causing pathogens, mine is caused by fear of chemical exposure. This is one of the symptoms of my own mental health that I am most embarrassed by, because I know how irrational my obsessions can seem to others :(

You may be wondering what exactly I mean by chemical exposure. Essentially anything that is a hazardous chemical, e.g. household cleaning products, is a stressor for me. As a consequence, I cannot touch certain things with my bare hands (batteries, bleach bottles and such). If I have to use something like nail polish remover, I panic about getting the chemicals off of my hands afterwards and I will continously wash them. Often I will do this until they are sore and red. However most of the time, I am still convinced that the chemicals are not washed away and then I am scared to touch my face or put my fingers near my eyes because I get intrustive thoughts that I'm going to blind myself or irritate my skin and whatnot. I also cannot make food or drinks for other people most of the time because I get thoughts telling me that I might harm them by exposing them to whatever dangerous chemicals and/or germs that I've come into contact with. I know rationally that this won't happen but at the time, the threat is very real to me. 

Intrustive Thoughts & Compulsion 'Rituals'...

The final symptom that I wanted to discuss with you all is the worst one in my opinion; I've saved the worst 'til last! It is the worst one for me because of how much it impacts my daily life and causes me the most amount of distress. I've mentioned intrustive thoughts several times throughout today's post, because it's these kinds of thoughts that contribute to the obsessions experienced by those with OCD but I wanted to explain what an intrustive thought actually is. Some of our thoughts are involuntary, our brain filled with all of its memories of our past experiences, of our phobias, the things that make us uncomfortable or angry, initiates thoughts without our control in response to our surroundings, to sensory inputs and stimuli. Everyone gets intrustive thoughts from time to time. Let me think of an example... have you ever been out and about and suddenly thought to yourself 'everyone is watching me' even thought you've not seen anyone look at you at all... that's an intrustive thought. Or, you've been sitting in your room chilling and feeling perfectly fine then suddenly you think about that one time that you embarassed yourself in front of someone. This thought seemingly came out of nowhere, because it was an intrustive thought. 

Well, for people with a mental health problem, these types of thoughts occur very regularly, a lot of time everyday. They are hard to ignore, sometimes it's almost impossible to distract yourself from them and try to focus your mind on something else. They can be very debilitating, especially when the thoughts are about past traumatic experiences or about your insecurities. With OCD, you experience these a lot! They are what usually cause you to have to carry out a compulsion, in order to relieve some of your anxiety and thus make the intrustive thoughts go away. Sometimes you can preform an activity several times and you still can't calm down, and this is where 'rituals' can develop. Rituals are compulsions that involve repeated sets of actions, whether it's washing your hands in a specific routine or counting a particular way. My own rituals involve both counting and touching specific items. I have no idea why this sequence of actions helps me, but if I don't do it whenever I get a very intense thought, I get very agitated. 

It is very crippling to have to live with this symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as intrustive thoughts hit me at the most random of times and it sucks! I can be having a fabulous time and suddenly, a thought or an image comes to mine for no reason and stress sets in. Sometimes these thoughts are caused by an association, so I will see or hear something and ping! I think of something horrible. It can be very hard to deal with them in public places when I can't preform my little anxiety-relieving ritual. I have had to make an excuse to leave a room when I'm with friends because something has triggered my OCD.For example, I have been watching the news with people before and a tragedy of some kind had been reported. Everyone starts discussing how horrible it would be to experience it, so obviously I start thinking about that too and then I panic that because I've thought about it, it's going to somehow happen. I then try to ignore my thoughts but my anxiety is too high and I have a mighty need to go perform a compulsive behaviour to help me calm down again. I can't believe that I'm sharing about this, because it's so embarassing to me, eeek! >.<

Working Towards Recovery

I'm going to end this post on a more positive note :) When I talk about recovery, this does not mean that something heals, that it goes away as the word would suggest. Like in the case of some physical health conditions, which go into a state of recovery, where symptoms are pretty much gone but they could come back at anytime... this is what recovery of mental illness is referring to. Being recovered from a mental health condition means being at a point where you are experiencing less intense symptoms, where you are able to function more and have healthy coping mechanisms in place to help you keep those symptoms at bay. 

I am in the process of working towards a place of recovery with all of my mental illnesses and I'm still on the journey. It will be a while until I am where I hope to be, but in the meantime I am setting myself little goals to help me manage things along the way. When it comes to my OCD, I have already noticed so many little improvements and so I hope that one day I can share an update with you all on how things have changed. I hope that my post today has been an insightful one, that it has been interesting and I haven't gotten carried away with my writing, haha! If you've found my post helpful, please let me know in the comments. Have a lovely day guys!

Thankyou for reading!

 

♥

You can find out more information about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder over on the Mind UK Mental Health website. They are a fabulous charity!