Depression & Numbness | Mental Health

Hello everyone! Today's post is going to be a more personal one, about something that has been really affecting me lately. It's been quite a while since I shared a post opening up about my mental health; my last one was all about what it's like for me living with obsessive compulsive disorder. Although many people still undermine the severity of OCD, and see it as being overly cleanly or strict when it comes to organisation, there is still a lot of information about it available online. However, when it comes to a particular symptom of depression (and many other MH conditions), the symptom that my post today is about, not many people know too much about it and there definitely isn't all that much information out there. I wanted to do my little bit to change that, to share with you all about numbness, what it really means and how it impacts my life. My hope is that this post helps others who can relate to what I've written, and also that it lets people know about something they may have never heard of before reading my post ♥

So you may be thinking... what do you mean by numbness? And to be honest, it's a little hard for me to put into words that really explain how tough this symptom can be.

What I basically mean is emotional numbness. The inability to process emotions, a feeling of being empty, being void of emotional response to things that used to make you feel something. When people have heard of this, it's usually focused on a situation of grief, on lost or heartbreak or deep sadness. Which is definitely part of it, but what some people might not know is that it has an effect on all of your emotions... happiness, anger, excitement. Emotional numbness can make them feel muted, like your feelings somehow don't work anymore. 'Some people describe the emotional numbness as feeling unfocused or ungrounded' - the healthline. It is a very distressing thing to live with, and it makes it tough to challenge the other symptoms of your mental health condition because you just can't seem to regain your emotions. 

It can also impact anxiety, which is just double the stress if also struggle with anxiety alongside your depression. You may be constantly worried about how your emotional reactions are viewed by others, or that they will think you are being ungrateful or cold or intentionally being awkward about something. I know that this is something that I personally get nervous about. As well as affecting your anxiety, emotional numbness can cause you to experience a serious lack of motivation, because well, your enthusiasm for things that you used to love doing may have dissolved. Where you once felt excited to get up and go do something like a much-loved hobby, you might now not be bothered about whether you do it or not. One of the most common ways in which depression affects people is by making them not enjoy things they used to love to the same degree anymore, and when this is coupled with emotional numbness, it can make everything feel like there's not much point to it anymore. 

How has emotional numbness affected my life? 

I have always been an over-emotional, very sensitive person. I am the one who sobs their heart out at movies and TV shows. Someone who's default emotional response to any feeling is to cry, whether I feel mad or upset or really joyful. I tear up if I see something that's really adorable because I can't cope with how cute it is! Yeah, I'm that emotional, haha! Or so, I used to be... then emotional numbness came along and took ahold of my feelings. It's really strange how it progressed, like the symptom just creeped up on me and I didn't even realise how much it was affecting me for ages. At first, I was just not as excited anymore, about most things that used to fill me with happiness. This was starting to really be a problem since I had little things that would still help to cheer me up when I was having a particularly bad depression day, when my intrusive thoughts wouldn't go away, but these self care practices started being less and less effective. This left me at a loss on what to do to improve my mood. 

I've briefly mentioned a few times on my blog that I have been going through some family problems and other stressful situations over the past few months, and I noticed a difference in the way I responded emotionally to those things too. Originally, they were a challenge to cope with, but over time I started to feel numb about them, like I felt nothing at all anymore. As a result, my anxiety was heightened because I began worrying about why I wasn't bothered. I was getting all sorts of unwanted thoughts about myself because of it. This is when things started being a huge problem, and I feel embarrassed talking about how feeling emotional numbness started to make me behave :( 

I started to get into a very self-destructive mind set, in an attempt to make me feel something. I tried other things at first to try to help with the numbness, such as listening to songs that have always made me have an emotional response, you know the kinds of songs that belong on a break-up playlist. I also watched a few movies that would always be my go-to when I needed a good cry. None of these things really did much to help me, even though I did tear up to a few of them, they didn't do anything to get me out of the headspace that I was in. There are many self-destructive symptoms when it comes to depression, one of them I have already talked about on here before and its probably the first one to pop into your mind when you think about the topic. However, there are plenty of others.. for me, I would try to make myself upset. I would start thinking about triggering moments from my past or I would go over and over something in my mind that I thought would make me react. I feel really anxious sharing this online, almost ashamed at myself *insert 26 shy-faced monkey emojis*, but I just feel like it might be helpful to me to say it aloud like this, and hopefully make someone feel not so alone in their own struggles. But yeah, none of these behaviours where doing much, other than making me stressed at myself that I kept putting myself through those things. 

Another thing that my feelings of numbness seem to be causing me to do is to lose track of my days. It's not that I forget the day of the week or whatever, but there doesn't feel like there's a clear margin between each day. I don't even know if that makes sense. It's like my days are an endless blur, like one constant day filled with the same old stuff. Fellow spoonies, have any of you ever felt like this? That's another thing that is impacting me... I just feel so alone in this feeling. I know that there's people out there experiencing the same things as me, but at the time that I'm stressing about what I'm going through, I feel so isolated, like no one would understand if I tried to explain. 

I wanted to conclude today's post with some advice, but I'm not sure I can give much because I'm still dealing with emotional numbness and I don't yet know how to help improve things for my mental wellbeing. All I can say is that I am putting in a lot of effort to stop myself getting into the habit of using self-destructive behaviours, because in the long run this might have a horrid effect on me. I might be building up all of these negative emotions that all decide to come to light when I do start to feel more again. This has already been happening a little. I've started to feel something, and then it becomes very overwhelming. I'm getting there though guys! Apologies if this post has been a miserable one to read. On a positive note, a piece of beneficial advice that I can give is to keep doing things that used to make you happy, don't give up trying to make yourself feel good, even if at the moment it may seem pointless. Just keep at it and eventually you might feel awesome :)

Also talking to someone, a mental health professional, might be something that helps you. It is believed that emotional numbness can be caused because you've endured a lot of tough things and have bottled it all up inside, so being able to express your feelings might make a big difference to how you feel. You can talk to your GP to get referred to your local mental health services. It's worth a try, even if you don't think it will have any effect, it might surprise you. Look after yourself guys!

Thankyou for reading! 

♥

Have you ever experienced anything similar to what I've mentioned today?

Or had a loved one go through similar things?

If you have any thoughts or advice, please share them in the comments :) 

CBT didnt work for me

*DISCLAIMER: This post is based on my personal experience of cognitive behavioural therapy, which may not reflect the experiences of others who have undergone the same therapy. Please don't let my post put you off if you are waiting to have CBT yourself. It might be really helpful for you so I would encourage you to give it a go first. 

Hey everyone! Today's post is going to be a more personal one, on the subject of CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and why I believe the treatment was not beneficial for me. I thought this was an important topic to discuss so that others who found that CBT was not helpful for them will know that they are not alone. I hope you all enjoy reading!

 So, what is CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? 

CBT is a type of talking therapy which is commonly used to treat an array of mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and eating disorders. This therapy focuses on helping patients to identify their thoughts and attitudes towards different situations that they find stressful and/or triggering, and how these thoughts affect our behaviour and actions. Mind UK is a fantastic mental health charity with an excellent, educational website where you can find out more about CBT and read some personal stories from people who have had CBT themslves. Find out more about CBT here. 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy & Me

If you've been following my blog for a while, you will know that I struggle with my mental health; I have generalised anxiety disorder and depression. Upon graduating from university, I was seen by the local mental health team back in my hometown who eventually referred me to start CBT therapy, in September last year, as a treatment for my anxiety. I was scheduled to have 12 sessions and they have almost come to an end. After many months of ongoing therapy, I have seen no improvement to any of my mental health conditions and they have actually gotten worse over time. Because of this, I was recently referred to the next level of mental health care and so far, I have been appointed a care co-ordinator from their team who I've had two appointments with. 

During the last few months, the fact that CBT was not working for me really affected my mental health. I was disappointed because I had expected to gain at least something from the therapy and when I did not, it made me quite worried about what would happen when the sessions were over. I turned to the internet for answers and found that there was barely any information about CBT not being beneficial for others who had experienced it, so I decided that I would blog about it when I had completed my therapy, hopefully to give others who are finding that CBT didn't work for them some peace of mind to know that it's not their fault, that the therapy doesn't work for everyone and that's okay. CBT is not the only resource out there and you can still get help for your mental health. 

I have several theories as to why I think CBT was not successful for treating my mental health and I wanted to share these with you all. 

1. I personally think the period of time is too short to help someone with moderate-to-severe mental health problems. CBT is usually run for either 6 to 12 sessions (which are typically 30 minutes to an hour long, depending on what the therapist feels needs to be discussed). In my opinion, I don't believe that a long-term mental health condition that I have been struggling with for ten years now, for the majority of my teenage years until now, is going to be improved in approximately 3 months worth of therapy, spaced over 6 months. 

2. CBT is a therapy that helps people recognise their emotions and thinking processes, and how they relate to their behaviour. This is often very difficult for some people to identify on their own, especially if they have been trying to suppress their feelings for a long time, but a therapist can help them identify the way they think about certain situations and how they may have a negative impact on their behaviour and mood. I have always been very emotionally aware and so the CBT sessions that focused on this were not helpful for me at all. 

3. I was already concerned that CBT woud not be very effective for me before I began my therapy, because whilst I was still at university and struggling a lot with my mental health, I researched self help methods and came across several CBT-based activities that I decided to try, in an attempt to reduce my anxiety. These activities focused on identifying and challenging the way you think about things that cause you to experience anxiety, and I found that they were not very useful for me. 

4. A lot of my anxiety is related to my chronic health conditions and the fact that I can never predict how they are going to affect me from day-to-day. They can suddenly change at any moment and this makes me experience high levels of anxiety. In order to feel prepared when I'm out of the house, I do specific things and my therapist seemed to consider these as 'avoidance behaviours', which really irritated me. She didn't seem to understand how these things are crucial to ensure I can pace myself or prevent an IBS flare, etc. This is required for my health and well-being,and I felt that my chronic illnesses and how signficantly they affect my everyday life was being undermined. She tried to encourage me to stop these behaviours, which I found very stressful. 

One of my close friends struggles with mental health conditions too and found that CBT was not helpful for her either, so I asked her to share why she believed this was. Here's what she said;

'The reason CBT didn't work for me was because my mental health issues were too severe. I found it difficult to open up and when I did, it was very cold and clinical so I didn't really trust the therapist and stopped talking to them about my mental health. They gave me tools to help myself but they didn't work and my issues just persisted after the sessions ended. Eventually they stopped offering help, after the third time being referred for CBT with different therapists, because it was getting me nowhere.' 

I just want to say thankyou so much to my wonderful friend Kayleigh for allowing me to share this with you all ♥

I hope this post has been interesting to read and helpful to anyone who is questioning whether CBT is right for them or anyone who is struggling because they are currently finding that CBT is not helpful in improving their mental health. Although, I personally found this type of therapy to be unsuccessful for me, I would still recommend that you try it for yourself if it has been offered to you. Everyone is different and what works for me might not work for someone else and vice versa. CBT has been shown to be very helpful for many mental health cases, which is one of the reasons it's so popular and I have talked to several people who experienced positive results from it. To all of you struggling with mental health, stay strong and be proud of yourself for considering and/or seeking help :) Asking for help is the first step towards recovery and there are other treatments available if CBT is not beneficial to you. 

Thankyou for reading!  

♥

Have you ever had CBT therapy? How did you find it?

If CBT wasn't helpful for you, have you found anything else that is? 

Found this post helpful? Check out these related posts:  

| Time to Talk Day | Seeking Help for Mental Health |

The Sad Ghost Club

Hey everyone! Today's post is going to be about my recent order from The Sad Ghost Club, an awesome project set up to spread awareness about mental health. It's Depression Awareness week so I thought it would be a great time to blog about the project and show you some of the comics and merch they make to get people to talking more about mental health. 

The Sad Ghost Club project is really awesome! I absolutely love the work they are doing to promote mental health awareness, such as working with mental health charities. The illustrations they create are beautiful and all their messages are positive and encouraging, and aim to help people who are struggling with their mental health. I ordered a few items from them, which all came wonderfully packaged in a little box with the super cute ghost logo on the front. The box was lined with red tissue paper and it had the appearance of many subscription boxes I've seen... I was really impressed with the packaging. Inside was a pack of four badges, a self care booklet and a pack of four postcards, along with a few little extra things. 

 The first items that I took out of the box were these adorable little button badges. I love how each badge has a unique design and that they are all beautifully illustrated and colourful. Three of the buttons have a lovely statement on them and I can't help but smile when I look at them. They are sweet little reminders that you are doing great and everything is going to be okay. The final badge simply says 'Sad Ghost Club' so it will be nice to put this one on my bag where people can see it, helping to spread awareness of the project. 

 The next item that I looked at was the 'Guide to Self Care' booklet. I was really curious about what this booklet would contain inside and I discovered that it's such a helpful little book filled with comic-style illustrations, information all about how important self care is and sections to fill in yourself. This would make a fantastic gift for any of your loved ones who are struggling, just to remind them to look after themselves. Included with the booklet was an adorable sticker reading 'Take Care of Yourself' bordered with pretty little flowers and a gorgeous postcard/print. This states 'Be Kind to Yourself, Love from The Sad Ghost Club' surrounded by fantastic illustrations of mountains, leaves and ghosts with tiny speech-bubbles filled with kind words. 

 

 One the back of the postcard/print, there is a membership certificate to fill in with your name to state you are an official member of The Sad Ghost Club. I think this an adorable addition to the order and I really like it! I love the level of detail that's gone into the design of the self care booklet and this certificate, the artists' work is amazing!

The last items I purchased were the postcards: a set of four exceptionally illustrated postcards, all with a different design. One of the many things that I love about the design of these products is all of the natural elements used in the illustrations: mountains, the weather, leaves, inserts, and more. They are just gorgeous! The postcard above on the left is my favourite design out of all the postcards. I adore the cute little skulls, the flowers and leaves of various colours, and there is even a little pair of green socks! :) It's so vibrant! The little sticker you can see in the photograph above is one of the freebies added to the box. 

 Here are the other two postcards, which again have stunning artwork. I especially like the under the sea theme on one of the postcards, featuring seaweed and other aquatic plants, as well as shells and bubbles. I think the quote of this postcard is also my favourite in the entire box, 'Allow Yourself to Be Where You Are'. This is a nice reminder that recovery takes time and that it's okay to do things at your own pace. Remember that you are trying your best and you should be proud of yourself for that. I wish I'd taken a photograph of the back of the postcards to show you all the pretty leafy border that surrounds the area where you write your message; it's another cute addition to the design. The little blue heart sticker is the second freebie that came with my order, and I think it's another lovely reminder that it's okay to be sad sometimes. 

Overall, I was very happy with my order. I feel good that I have been able to support all of the hard work and effort that goes into the running of this project. I can't wait to get more of their merch! I think it's so important to get people discussing mental health more openly, and projects like The Sad Ghost Club can really make a difference in changing people's attitudes towards talking about their feelings and their own mental health. The more we talk about mental health, the less stigmatised it will become and making little steps towards this goal are crucial. Even wearing something like the gorgeous button badges can make a difference to at least one person's day, they could see the statement 'You got this!' and it might put a smile on their face and give them a little boost of confidence to get through whatever challenges they may face that day. 

Thankyou for reading!

♥

Do you know of any of other mental health projects? I'd love to hear about them.

Also, who else has purchased from The Sad Ghost Club? What did you get? 

 

 Related posts

| Time to Talk Day | Seeking Help for Mental Health | 

 

My Personal Struggle With Mental Health | Part One

Today is World Mental Health Day, and I've decided that I'm going to share with you all more about my personal experience with anxiety and depression. I'm really appreciating the work being done by so many charities and organisations to help with ending the stigma surrounding mental health, by spreading awareness and encouraging more people to speak about it. As many as 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience mental health problems every year and being able to talk about their struggles and find a community of people who understand could really help. Although, I'm a big supporter of people of being able to speak openly without judgement, when it comes to speaking about my own mental health I am nervous, so I'm going to take a step in the right direction towards recovery and be more open about it. 

Please forgive me if I start rambling... I don't really know where to start. 

Having depression is extremely tiring. It's waking up and having no motivation to start your day, even if the weather is perfect and you've got lots of fun things planned. You have to use all the energy in you to pull yourself out of bed... sometimes you can't and end up sleeping in all day. It's emotionally draining, every task seems impossible and every little thing you manage to do takes away some of your energy. On bad days, it's like being in a state of constant stress accompanied by a deep sadness. Small things will irritate or upset you, and you will find it difficult to do the things you used to love doing. You will start leaving everything until the last minute and will cancel plans you've made with your friends. You struggle to find the motivation to look after yourself. You can go from being in a really happy, energetic mood to suddenly feeling gloomy and overwhelmed, and there is often no reasons for this mood change.

Sometimes, thoughts of sad things you've had to go through in your life will pop into your mind at the most inappropriate of times and ruin your day, and once you start thinking about one stressful thing you can't stop overthinking and overanalysing lots of different things. This can make it difficult for you to concentrate, to fall asleep at night, to do all the things you need to. There's also physical symptoms of depression that are not mentioned a lot. Depression takes its toll on your body, making you get aches and pains. You feel lethargic all the time and can't relax easily. Sleeping becomes difficult, because you either can't fall asleep and stay up for hours at night, you want to sleep all day and it feels like you have no strength to move from your bed, or you manage to fall asleep but constantly wake up and end up feeling like you've had no sleep at all. 

One of the most difficult things is having one of those bad days but still having to go somewhere, having to try and perk yourself up the best you can to go out and face the world, to put on a brave face. Attending my lectures at university became a real challenge for me, especially in my final year, because most of the time I didn't feel like I could face people and I knew I would not be able to concentrate in class. It became difficult to keep up with the lecture notes and everything I was missing by not going, and it meant I had to work really hard to get the grade I wanted. Your depression can go away for a long time and then all of a sudden hit you again. It can constantly be there in the background, ready to hit you hard whenever something stressful happens. It will make you feel alone and like you are not strong enough, but remember... you are strong and you are not alone! There are many ways to reach out and get help... there is some useful information such as helplines here.

 The lovely message below is for everyone of my readers :) I hope you're all okay, and remember you are wonderful! 

How gorgeous is this artwork? ♥ its by Lolitazlover 

I've decided to separate this post into two parts, because I've written so much! Oops :) 

 ♥

Thankyou for reading!