The Estellosaurus Book Tag

Hello people of the internet! Long time, no speak! That saying perfectly reflects the relationship I have with this little blog of mine right now :D People are saying this is the time that we should all be throwing ourselves wholeheartedly into our hobbies, and that may be the case for those whose lives are usually tied up by work or other social/family obligations. However, I live with chronic illnesses, and the majority of these are mental health conditions that seriously impact my ability to engage in most aspects of social interaction. Thus, I am unable to work, so the social distancing life which has taken over most of our lives is pretty much my everyday existence. I struggle to partake in my hobbies at the best of times and it's not as simple, for me, to just suddenly become super engaged in my hobbies as it probably is for those who aren't disabled. It is hard trying to not take to heart all of the pressure to do ALL THE THINGS during the lockdown! 

I've been trying to motivate myself to blog for days (weeks even!), so it was just wonderful timing for my fabulous friend Estelle to tag me in a Book Tag she's just created! So, this post is for my fellow bookish people :) I hope you all enjoy reading! I can't promise my answers will be very interesting though. You have been warned XD 

Welcome to the Estellosaurus Reads Book Tag! Here are the rules: 

1. Copy and paste the rules and sentence above. Answer the questions. Duh.

2. Thank the person who tagged you, don't forget to link to their original post/answers,

3. Tag 2 new people to take part,

4. Use #EstellosaurusReads if you share your post anywhere!

5. Have a nice cup of tea.

Thankyou so much for the tag, Estelle! And I have myself a cuppa at the ready as I type out my answers :) 

Q1) What are you reading at the moment, if you aren't reading, what have you just finished? 

I am currently reading Everything's Eventual by Stephen King. It is a collection of short stories and my favourites so far have been The Little Sisters of Eluria, and Autopsy Room Four. I'm going to explain a bit about each briefly, so subtle spoiler alert! 

Autopsy Room Four is all about a man who finds himself in an autopsy room, and soon realises that he is unable to move and is presumed to be dead. I'll let you guys use your imagination :O The Little Sisters of Eluria is much less intense but still centres around spooky goings-on. Obviously, it's written by Stephen King :D But anyhow, it's a futuristic tale about a cult of strange nurses and patients that keep disappearing. I don't usually read many short stories and I'm really enjoying this book, so I'll definitely read more :) 

Q2) What book does everyone love that you just don't get?

Last year, I finally got around to reading some old classics that have been loved for years and years, and are deemed to be literary masterpieces in one way or another, and although I could see why they are so acclaimed, especially at the time they were published... I just didn't enjoy some of them like I thought I was going to. 

One of these was The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I wasn't a huge fan of the writing style and found it pretty tough to get through because of it, and the fact that I wasn't engaged by the storyline at all. I found the protagonist, Holden Caulfield, to be very annoying and I think that was maybe the point, but oh my gosh, did it make it difficult to get through the entire book! I didn't care about what happened to him, and I had to force myself to keep going, almost giving up several times. Those of you who have read The Catcher in the Rye, what did you think? 

Q3) What book or book series deserves its very own Netflix (other streaming sites are available) series?

Ooo this is such a tough question, because there's so many! I'd love to see a series made for the Marauder's 'era' of the Harry Potter novels, about all of the adult characters as teens at Hogwarts. Another book that I read last year was Tess Gerritsen's The Bone Garden (which was very kindly lent to me by Estelle, as was the Part of Your World book in my photo above! You're a star!!) and all the way through reading it, I couldn't stop thinking 'this would be good as a movie!', but I much prefer TV series because so much more detail and character development can go into them VS movies. So I'd love to see that adapted on film in some way, too :) 

Q4) Is there a book that you just could not finish? Why? 

There have been many books that I have not finished and to be honest, it wasn't because I didn't enjoy them, but more because of the state of my mental health at the time that I picked up the book. I love books, I thoroughly adore getting lost between the pages and being transported to other worlds in my mind. However, over the years, I have had a strange relationship with reading (and with lots of other things I love to do), and it's taken me a while to get back to my old bookworm self. There are many books that I didn't finish that I will pick up again at some point. One being Cross Stitch by Diana Gabaldon, (aka Outlander).

But to answer the question correctly, one book that I could not, for the life of me, finish was Stephen King's The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordan. It's maybe somewhat due to the fact that I was a teenager when I tried to read it and the storyline just wasn't my cup of tea back then, but I really don't think it would be now either. My best friend lent it to me after she also tried and failed to read it. It didn't take me long to understand why! It's about a girl who gets lost in the woods, and I just found it so unengaging. Maybe the story would have gotten better, but I just couldn't make it past half way through the book. Oops! 

Q5) What book is your recommendation when someone asks you to suggest a good read?

All of my favourites. The Harry Potter novels (J.K. Rowling) , The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings book series (J.R.R. Tolkien) , The Handmaid's Tale (Margaret Atwood), A Little Princess (Frances Hodgson Burnett), to name a few :) 

Q6) Is there a book that you've read multiple times? Why do you keep going back to it? 

I have read each of the A Song of Ice & Fire novels by George R.R. Martin at least twice, some of them three times now, partly because they are so detailed and I feel like the second time you read them, you notice things that you didn't the first time around. Have you ever felt like that with any books before? And also because I love them! I am very much into the lore and very invested in the plot and several of the characters. I really enjoy the multi-character point of view through this book series, with each chapter being told from a different perspective. When I was deep into reading the books, I spent a lot of time when I wasn't actually turning pages, thinking about the world. George! We need the next book already! T_T 

Q7) Is there a book that you had to study at school that you would definitely never, ever read again?

Not at school, but when I was studying English Literature at college: The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald). I could have chosen this book to answer question two as well, because it's another one of those classic novels that people seem to love. It was still interesting to delve deep into the meaning and symbolism behind the plot, but I just didn't like any of the characters. They all irritated me in some way and I found myself not caring at all what became of them by the end of the novel. Sorry to all those Gatsby fans out there, but I never, ever want to pick up this book again! 

I was lucky in that, I actually enjoyed most of the books that I read during high school. For my GCSE's, we had to read Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, and Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. Oh... actually, I take back my statement XD I don't ever want to read the play, An Inspector Calls (J.B. Priestly & John Scicluna) again for the rest of my life! Who's had the unfortune of reading it before?

Q8) Is there a book that stirs a memory for you of a point in your life?

The book that came to mind first when I read this question was Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. In my early teens is when I really discovered my love for Japan and all things related to the culture and history of this beautiful country. I was pretty obsessed to be honest (and still am to this day, haha!) and so I just loved learning as much as I could about Japan. I found the Memoirs of a Geisha book at my dad's house and immediately started reading it, and not long after that, my best friend surprised me for my birthday when the 2005 movie adaptation was released. Although there is a lot of controversy involving the author and Mineko Iwasaki, the real woman behind the story, this book always makes me think about those years of my life and for that I will always have fond feelings surrounding the book. 

Q9) Who is that one literary character you've like to punch in the face?

Dolores Umbridge! 

Q10) If you could re-write the ending of a book, which book would you pick and how would you change it? 

*spoilers* 

I need to stop myself keep returning to Harry Potter, but I'm a fangirl so I can't XD. I would make it so Professor Severus Snape had a cure for Nagini's attack, or someone came along and saved him :'( He is one of my favourite characters from the novels, and I was very unhappy about what happened to him in the end. Although, to be honest, I can see why J.K. Rowling made that decision. But no. 

I wouldn't really change any ending of the books I've read. I'm usually accepting of any ending the author decides upon, and if I don't like the ending, it's mostly due to the fact that I wasn't a fan of the overall story and I was hoping the ending would make it worth the effort of enduring the entire book! The last book I remember disliking the ending of was back in high school when I was reading Of Mice and Men. Like, did he really have to die? I mean it made sense, because of the views of society during the time period that the book was set in, but my poor heart. 

Oh my god though, if the ASOIAF novels end as rushed and thoughtless as the inspired HBO series, I'll be pissed! I don't mind a ruthless and somewhat unhappy ending for some characters, and I don't even mind some sort of plot-twist or shock factor scenerio, but bloody hell, that was a shitshow, after being so invested for years... but this is a book tag so I won't ramble on about that! But please let the final books that we are waiting ever so patiently for do justice to the story that we've all fallen in love with so much! 

So, those are all of my answers. Hopefully that wasn't too boring to read and that I did Estelle's tag justice! Estelle blogs over at Estellosaurus and also runs two Youtube channels; one is about disabled life and the other is dedicated to books! They are all brillaint and you totally need to go check them out :) In fact, if you are a fan of reading, then you definitely have to go watch this video. And join in with the #EstellosaurusReads Readathon ♥ I will be doing very soon. So, stay safe guys! Keep indoors and look after yourselves and your immunocompromised loved ones & neighbours! We will get through this shitty time together. I'll try to get another post up as soon as possible. Have the best week you can, under the current circumstances! 

Before I finish this post, I tag Jess from Little Piink Duck and Eleanor from MxrshmallowQueen to join in! 

Thankyou for reading! 

♥

What are you currently reading? 

What book are you planning to read next?

Please feel free to join in with this Book Tag and tag Estelle if you do! 

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Aviakey Custom Print Commission

Hey everyone! How's Monday been for you? I've been recovering from my shenanigans at the weekend... I went to a Eurovision party (celebrating Sweden's Melodifestivalen final) and got a little too drunk :'). I hope that I'm feeling better tomorrow, because I have a busy week ahead of me! I know I've said this before, but I am now actually re-decorating my bedroom, after a few years of the process being put on standby and living with boxes of flat-pack Ikea furniture scattered here and there all over the house :D I've been spending the last week or so boxing up all of my belongings and moving them into another room, in preparation for painting and wallpapering. I'm already exhausted with the process and there's so much left to do...

Anyhow, today I finally get to share something with you guys that I've had to wait to talk about! I commissioned an artist, who's work I love, to create an art piece of my friend's beloved furbabies. I was thinking about the idea for months as I thought it would be a lovely present to gift her for her birthday. I've adored Aviakey's wonderful artwork ever since I was lucky enough to win a custom Animal Crossing character print from them in a giveaway over on Instagram (read all about my fabulous prize here). Ever since, I have been in love with their artwork, and as an animal lover, especially their more realistic illustrations of animals :) As soon as I saw a post by Aviakey saying they would love people to commission them to draw their pets, I just knew that I had to ask them to draw something for my friend ♥ This post is going to be all about the gorgeous artwork I received! It took me a while to send it out to my friend and so I've not been able to post anything about it, but she's received it now so I can show it off! I hope you all enjoy reading :) 

So, before I show you guys the super awesome artwork, I wanted to mention what I asked for and how much it cost :) My friend has two cat babies and a doggo, so I sent over some photos and let Aviakey have creative freedom when it came to the design. Although I did ask for my friend's pets to be outdoors on the grass and for there to be blue sky in the background, because this was something that I really loved about the Animal Crossing custom art I won. It looked so eye-catching and bright! And having a backdrop like that made the character pop, so I wanted my friend's pets to stand out in the same way. The commission cost £30 and I wanted a physical version VS a digital one so I paid £5 for printing as well as for the P&P. £35 for a beautiful, one-of-a-kind present for one of my closest friends was very reasonable in my opinion, and just wait until you see it!! 

Ta-da! HOW FLIPPIN' CUTE IS THIS ARTWORK!!? It's so colourful and adorable and oh my gosh, just perfect! I really love Aviakey's illustration style; my friend's furbabies look so cute and cuddly! Something else I love is the contrast between the animals and the scene, and I'm so happy with my decision to have the grass and blue sky. I'm not an artist, so I don't know the technical way of describing this, haha... but one of my favourite things about the print, other than the pets of course, is the brush effect of the sky and grass. I don't know if that makes sense, but I love how it looks!! 

Here are some close-up shots, so you can check out all of the little details. Let's talk about these three precious babies! My friend's dog is very energetic and happy, and after discussing more about her, Aviakey came up with this design, which I was delighted with!! Her personality just shines through and she looks like she's having the time of her life, playing in the grass. One of my favourite photos I had of my friend's cats was of them when they were kittens, cuddled up together sleeping. So I'm really glad that Aviakey was inspired by this photo! They look too cute!! I love that one of them is hugging the other... awww, brotherly love :) 

I can't get over how beautiful the artwork is!! It's super photogenic, too! It's going to look even more brilliant once it's framed. 'I absolutely love my picture of the animals!!! It's amazing' was what my friend said to me as soon as it arrived, so it's safe to say she's over the moon with it :D Thankyou Aviakey for creating such marvellous art for my friend and for being so lovely! Definitely make sure to go and check out Aviakey's Instagram everyone, and you should totally get yourself or your loved one's a commission piece, because how could you not!? I hope you guys enjoyed today's post and that you all have a wonderful week! 

Thankyou for reading!

♥

I'd love to hear all about your own furbabies or scaleybabies 

or whatever animal companions you have, so please tell me all about them in the comments!

Have you ever had a custom art comission done before? What did you get?

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So Kawaii Box November 2019 | Review

Hi lovelies! It's been absolutely ages now since I posted some kawaii content... like is this even my blog!? I know lot's of you guys come here for your dose of cuteness overload so I'm sorry for not having any posts like this for a while (silly life problems)! Anyhow, a month or so ago I created polls over on my Instagram and Twitter asking whether I should still share all about a super cute subscription box, despite the fact that I received it back in November; and literally all of you voted yes... so here we are :) I'm so happy to be sharing this kawaii goodness with everyone FINALLY! I have wanted to show off the contents of the 'childhood memories' So Kawaii Box ever since I opened it, and now I can!! :') You're going to love it ♥ 

Not to be confused with Blippo's Kawaii Box (check out my archives for more info on that here), the So Kawaii Box is another monthly subscription service filled with top quality items from Japan (the company is even based in Japan, so I didn't get charged any customs tax either!). Their focus is very much quality over quantity from what I've seen via all the unboxing videos I have watched on Youtube, but each So Kawaii Box still contains 6-8 items which is great. It's all down to personal preference, however after the amount of 'filler' products (cute albeit annoying) I've been sent in boxes in the past, I know I would rather get fewer items if it meant that they were better quality and had a more practical use. Who agrees?

As with most subscription boxes, there's a specific theme each time, with items related to that theme to be found inside every box. One of the problems I've found with previous subscription boxes is that only a couple of the items will perfectly fit in with the theme, and the others will kind of, although often at a stretch, tie in. Then there's usually lots of random bits thrown in, probably in an attempt to overload the recipients with cuteness, hoping they'll ignore the randomness of the products! This worked on me for a long time but it eventually gets borings paying for what is essentially junk, even if it is the most adorable trash ever (am I describing myself there? XD). 

Before I get even more rambley, this didn't happen when it came to the So Kawaii Box. I've only ordered one, but from what I've seen around online, I think it's safe to say that this company gives you value for your money :) So, without further ado... what did I get inside the November 2019 Box? 

I was sent seven items, all themed around nostalgia and the 'characters we grew up with and who are still a big part of our life!'. The items include: a Sumikko Gurashi Macaron Cushion, a Hamtaro Plushie, a Mini Rilakkuma Key Lock, a Kirby Meringue Dessert Spoon, a Mini Kirby Notepad, a Sanrio Lipstick Eraser and a Pikachu Pouch from the 'Girly Collection'. 

I literally signed up for this box as soon as I saw over on Instagram that November's 'issue' would contain a plush from Hamtaro, and figured everything else I received would just be a lovely bonus :) This adorable anime series was one of my absolute favourites when I was around 10-12 years old. I would rush home from school to plonk myself in front of the TV to watch an episode of Hamtaro: Little Hamsters, Big Adventures, on Fox Kids, as soon as I got through the door. I was pretty obsessed with it to be honest :D So this item alone evoked all the happy childhood memories I needed! Did anyone else watch this cartoon? 

What's better than receiving a new plushie in a subscription box? 

Receiving two plushies, of course!! Even though this is a 'cushion', it's pretty much still a plushie. It's the right size and is softer and more squishy than any cushion I've ever seen! It feels so amazing, guys! If only you could reach through the screen and touch it... it's going to be so comfy to rest my head on whilst I'm watching a movie or whatever in bed. I love Sumikko Gurashi and even though my favourite character is Tokage, the dinosaur/lizard, I am always happy with anything from this San-X franchise. As with many subscription boxes, there's a chance for subscribers to get one of several variations of an item, and in this case, there were three cushions you could get. Each a different character, and varying in size too, with the largest being the Sumikko Gurashi character 'Neko'. I would have preferred to get Neko just because I love cats and he's my next best after Tokage, but I'm glad I got the cushion that's the next size down VS the smallest one available. 

My cushion is of Tonkatsu, who's actually a character based on a deep-fried pork snack, which makes me smile whenever I remember. Japan sure loves their cute food! I think this macaron design is wonderful, and I love that my Tonkatsu version has a yellow filling because it makes me think of custard cream biscuits, and those are one of my favourite biscuits! (I'm craving some now, haha). I'm very happy with the item because despite plushies not really being useful, I adore them and you can never have too many plushies... I'll keep telling myself that until my house is taken over by them :D It's excellent quality, too. 

Awww I love everything about this photo! SO MUCH CUTE!! Which is your favourite item of the two? The Kirby dessert spoon or the Pikachu purse? Even though I LOVE Kirby, I like the purse more as I am more likely to use it. I love that it's a decent size so I can use it for not only money, but for other bits and bobs that I might need in my bag on a day out. I've wanted something from the Pikachu Girly Collection for a while because the chibified style is super adorable! I love that in this particular design, Pikachu is holding his hands over his mouth, like he's expressing 'oops!'. It's very relatable for an anxious mess like me! 

I saw a lot of people in unboxing videos comment on the size of this spoon and how they didn't know what to use it for, which puzzled me because it's a dessert spoon used for serving. For example, dishing out trifle. You could even use it for savoury dishes, to spoon out stew or meatballs, etc. It's not something that you're likely to use a lot, but it's still going to look super cute displayed in your kitchen. I like that it's something that's not just going to look pretty, I'm going to get use out of it, too. There were four designs of Kirby dessert spoons available, and the one I got is lovely! I love the starry sky surrounding Kirby. The packaging is also great. That's something I really love about products from Japan, so much of their packaging is colourful and adorable, even for regular, mundane household items. 

This item fits in so perfectly with the 'childhood memories' theme. I hadn't seen one of these lipstick erasers for years and years before I received it, and it was such a flash from the past! I had a few of these when I was in primary school, but none as cute as this Sanrio one! I remember hoarding them for a while because I couldn't bring myself to use them for their intended purpose and spoil them. However, one day I was searching for ages for one of my regular erasers and couldn't find one, so I relented and broke into my stash of lipstick ones. From that day forward, I used them like any other eraser. Shame though, because I wish I still had them! But then again, I collect too many things so it's probably a good thing I'm not cluttering up my bedroom with more random things :D 

There were several variations available for this item as well, and I got My Melody. Yay! She's a brilliant character. Rabbits are one of my favourite animals and I'm a rabbit mom, so I can't not love My Melody :) One of my favourite things about lipstick erasers is that they are usually scented, all of mine were as a kid and so is this one. It smells of strawberries! Again, I love the packaging, and that all the text is in Japanese! Did you have any of these when you were young? 

I was so happy to see a little gachapon egg in my November So Kawaii Box! Gachapon is the Japanese name for the little toys you win inside those toy machines that you put a £1 into and twist to get a prize. They are very popular in Japan and there are even whole stores filled with the machines. I have been a big fan of gachapon figurines and such for as long as I can remember, but I really got into them when I was around nine or ten. The first collection that kickstarted my love for them was the Winnie the Pooh animal collection... do any of you remember it? Tiny pooh bears in an animal costume. There were loads of series and therefore lots of species of animals to collect; I had SO MANY... it was ridiculous XD I got my first two as a treat for being brave whilst having some teeth taken out at the dentist. I won a sheep and an elephant Pooh bear :) But my favourite from my collection were the red panda and the crocodile. I still have quite a few of them packed away in my house somewhere... I need to find them! 

Anyhow, back to this rilakkuma gachapon. Look how cute it is!! It would have been awesome if I'd have gotten the Korilakkuma one because she's my favourite, but I got Mr Rilakkuma himself so I can't complain. These mini padlocks and keys make me think of having secret diaries as a kid, the type that came with a tiny lock and key just like this one, although not as adorable. I have a hello kitty one that I use on my suitcase whenever I go abroad, and now I've got another to secure the small zip pouch on the front of my suitcase. What would you use this cute little lock for?

Please excuse the quality of this photo, my camera was refusing to focus! Apparently, the print is so adorable, my camera couldn't cope :D How precious are all these Kirby's!? My favourite is the one with its mouth wide open, I'm not sure why :D I also love the little wands and lollipops dotted around. What's not to love about this notepad? I know it's small, but in my opinion, it's the perfect size to just pop into your bag and take out whenever you need to jot down a note. I like to use tiny memo papers like these whenever I'm sending my friend's gifts in the post, just to add a cute note :) 

As you can see above, there are two styles of memo sheets in this notepad, a landscape and a portrait design. My favourite if I had to choose would be the landscape one, with the purple stripes. They are both so pretty! Some people might not like getting two items featuring the same character in one box, but I love Kirby so I'm delighted. Even though the character wasn't one that I personally remember from my childhood, Kirby makes me reminisce about the good times I had with my friends in high school, including playing Kirby on the computers in ICT when I should have been doing my classwork... oops. So this smol pink boy will always hold a place in my otaku heart :D Are you a fellow Kirby lover? Oh, and there were two different Kirby notepads that you could be sent. 

I've saved the best until last :) Oh my goodness, he's incredibly cute and I am so over the moon to have a Hamtaro plushie to add to my ever-growing plushie army!! He might be small but it's so tough to come across official Hamtaro merch nowadays. I used to have two plushies that were sold by Argos all those years ago, but I have no idea if they are still somewhere in my house. I hope so! And there were even Hamtaro McDonald's toys made! 

I got the main character, Hamtaro himself or as he's known in Japan, Hamutaro. You could get any one of eight characters, and I would have been happy receiving any of them. Sandy and Panda were always my favourites, but those two weren't available anyhow. Just like Kirby, Hamtaro will forever be special to me, even more so. When I say I was obsessed with this cartoon, I mean it! I had figurines, toy sets, every plushie I could find. I would tape the episodes and then when I was watching them back, I'd spend hours pausing it and drawing the characters. I even had a pet hamster that I named Hamtaro! And he was actually the most friendly ham-ham I had growing up. So yeah, it's safe to say that buying the whole box was worth it for me just because of the Hamtaro item, and even if the rest of the items wouldn't have been to my liking, I would have had no regrets. The plushie is so much softer than I was expecting it to be! I love it so much!

I couldn't finish this post without showing you all just how fabulous the overall packaging design of the So Kawaii Box is. Just look at the level of detail and thought that has gone into the decoration of the box. I've had subscriptions with very cute external designs but none that put as much effort into the inside, too. I'm going to have to keep the box now! The sakura (cherry blossoms) and all of their petals scattered about are gorgeous. My items were covered with a piece of pink tissue paper, which was a nice touch. 

All in all, I was impressed with my first ever So Kawaii Box. The quality of the items is fantastic, and there's not one thing that I received that I don't like. I got all of these official products for $30 (about £23) and that's including shipping. So Kawaii Box actually offers free shipping worldwide and as I mentioned earlier, I didn't have to pay any customs fees either because it came from Japan. The box is usually $35, however a lot of unboxing videos for this subscription box on Youtube are gifted and the channel usually provides a discount code, which is what I used to get $5 off my first box :) I would definitely get another box in the future, especially if I spotted another upcoming item on the company's Instagram account that I loved. I recommend trying out this box for yourself if you're a fan of all things kawaii, like me! I hope you all enjoyed reading, and apologies guys for going M.I.A on my blog for so long! I promise I'll be back to posting more regularly in March. So, before I finish up this post, which is your favourite item from the November 2019 edition of the So Kawaii Box? 

Thankyou for reading! 

♥ 

What's an anime/cartoon that you loved as a child?

Tell me about a item from your childhood that you wish was still available and/or popular nowadays :) 

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Blogging & Perfectionism

This probably isn't going to be a very interesting post to read, more like reading a diary entry full of rambling. I'm not sure; I'm just sort of word-vomiting onto my laptop, in an attempt to get myself back into the swing of blogging. Maybe I'll post this, maybe not. So, I haven't blogged in what feels like forever (since the start of November, to be exact!). 

You will likely know why if you follow me over on Instagram. I don't want to get into things today, but 2019 was the worst and as a result, my mental health has been all over the place- I'm constantly flitting (that doesn't sound like a real word? :D) between a deep low to a state of numbness. It's tiring... disorienting... debilitating. The way I'm feeling has seeped into all areas of my life, putting a dampener on everything. When I'm happy for a brief moment, it feels somewhat fake... I don't really know how to put it into words, sort of like true happiness is unattainable to me now. Gosh, reading back over my words, that sounds so dire. My inner emo kid has been awaking ever since My Chemical Romance announced their comeback, but bloody hell XD. Sorry to anyone reading! 

But yeah, that's how things have been going for me. My mental health has been wrecking havoc on my ability to function. I guess that leads me onto a topic for this post I'm writing today. 

Any blogger, or creator sharing their work with others, will tell you that even with the most confident of people, there are always going to be times when you critique yourselves too harshly, question whether your work is good enough, wonder if you sound silly or [insert another negative descriptive here]. It's inevitable. We are our own worst critics, as they say. However, when you struggle with low confidence on a daily basis, or live with a mental illness- the self-doubt can be intense and really affect writing (or whatever creative outlet is your thing). 

I can't put a number to how many times I've deleted posts because I wasn't happy with how it read, or left content sitting unpublished for weeks, months even, trying to persuade myself that it was good enough to share. I often have to get my friends to read my writing for reassurance, too. That's the reality of being a blogger when you deal with anxiety disorder and depression >.< 

As with all chronic illnesses, when times are tough, when life is stressful, when you're feeling under the weather and whatnot, your conditions get worse. So all of these 'symptoms', things that occur due to that relentless, judging internal voice, become amplified, more nagging, and can have a substantial impact on the criticism we dish out to ourselves. 

So, how does this tie in with my current situation? Amongst other things, something that I can only describe as perfectionism plays a huge role in my anxiety around blogging. Well, writing in any form... essays and assignments back when I was studying, the fantasy stories I enjoy writing as a hobby, even when formulating emails or having conversations online- all that I do with regards to writing is, for lack of a better word, obsessed over. It's because it means so much to me! I put a lot into my writing and it's my favourite way of expressing myself, and thus it's something I give myself a lot of pressure to do well at. And when I'm experiencing feelings like the way I am at the moment, where my inner negativity monster is seemingly winning (if that even makes sense), my perfectionism complex is raging. 

If you made it through my rambles this far and haven't clicked off my blog in boredom, then I want to say Thankyou :) I know it probably sucks that this is my first post in ages and of the New Year, but I want to share something personal with you guys, especially with my loyal readers who have stuck around even though I've become the worst blogger ever. It means so much to me! Life is tough, but it's made that little bit more bearable knowing that you all still want to visit my little corner of the internet and are interested in what's going on in my mess of a life ♥ 

Anyhow, the reason I wanted to spill my brains into this post and share with you all my dealings with the wonderful world of perfectionism is because it's this very thing that has caused (not solely, but mostly) my severe lack of posts. Self-criticism has been ridiculously peaked for me, for a while now, meaning that I just couldn't bring myself to post new content or even write it. I convinced myself that in cheerful posts I sounded like I was trying too hard to disguise the reality, that I felt really shitty. I told myself that nothing read well, everything was uninteresting or lacking something that I didn't have the ability to fix. 

Upon reflection, I know that these 'imperfections' would probably have been unnoticeable to someone reading my posts, but at the time of writing, the anxiety was overwhelming and so I just couldn't work past it. Blogging just wasn't happening :( 

I thought that this would go away as time went by, that things would get better. But I'm still feeling as crap as ever, and I can't say anything has gotten easier. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to help pull myself out of this hole that I've fallen into. However, my blog is important to me and it's causing me so much stress that it's just sitting here being neglected. I want 2020 to be better and so I've decided that I'm going to work my butt off to get things at Raiin Monkey back to how they were. If my writing sounds rubbish or is boring or doesn't make sense, fuck it. I'm trying my best and that's all that I can do! 

So, I think I'm going to end my first post of 2020 here before I give myself the opportunity to go off on a tangent, and make anyone actually reading this never want to come back to my blog again :D Thanks again to anyone who made it this far! You're all stars & I love you!! Wishing you all an incredibly wonderful year, filled with yummy food, happy moments, good mental health days & all the motivation to get shit done! 

Thankyou for reading!

♥ 

What's something that you're looking forward to this year?

Did you set any goals for yourself? I'd love to hear what they are!

Even though I've been crap at blogging, I'm still active over on my social media, so give me a follow to keep up to date with what I'm doing and such :)

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